I really don’t know why I can’t shake caring about what people think about me. It is something that I have struggled with my whole life. I think it is part of my personality, it’s society, it’s life. My parents didn’t raise me like this, they tried their hardest to help me become a strong and confident woman. I finally feel like I am there, but I STILL CARE!
I recently had a conversation with my trainer about my arms. I wasn’t necessarily complaining but just curious. I was just curious if what I was seeing was something that could possibly go away with more muscle definition and weight loss. Basically, her answer was she didn’t know. It depends on my body. It could go away or it could be part of me and I was fine with that answer. I am a woman and I have cellulite. I always have and I always will. That is something that I accepted years ago and little by little have become more and more comfortable with.
It was the conversation that came from this that got me thinking. My response was that’s fine, but I asked if there a way that I could work on muscle definition in my arms. I told her I feel strong (and know I am strong) and it drives me crazy that I feel like when people look at me they don’t see what I feel! I see people’s reaction when I pick up my weights for body pump and I am using the same weight for biceps as the muscular guy beside me or I am doing kettle bell swings with a kettle bell twice as heavy as the girl next to me. I read it all over their face… “she can’t do that! What is she thinking…” but I do and it honestly makes me feel like a badass!
What got me really questioning things was the following day when I was talking to my therapist and this conversation came up. I felt the need to ask permission from her to make sure that this goal was okay. I know how important it is for everyone, but especially me, to focus on how things make them feel and not on how I look in the mirror. I know I am strong, even if it isn’t visible to me or others, so why does it matter if I appear strong to others. If I know I am strong isn’t that enough?
I still don’t have a good answer for this. The result of the conversation was mainly that feeling strong gives me confidence and that is a good thing and there is no reason that I shouldn’t focus on that. I just wish I could get this desire for others needing to see it as well out of my head. Who the HELL cares what others think? Apparently I still do. I am hopeful that I can get this need and desire out of my head and just be proud of who I am today and know how hard I worked to get there.
betty Gets Fit 