Whole 30 road trip!

This weekend in traveled to Washington, D.C. For the women’s march on Washington. This 24 hour bus trip took place in the final week of my whole30 which definitely presented me with some challenges.  

The bus that I went on left at 3:30 am, with us meeting at 2:30 am Saturday morning. I got home at 2am Sunday morning. So basically I had to plan for a full day, without a kitchen, refrigerator or microwave. In addition we were limited to the size of our bag that we carried to the March so I was basically traveling by foot all day with a small cross shoulder bag.  
So… I did a lot of hunting on Pinterest, Whole30 website and good old fashioned google and came up with a smorgasbord of portable snacks and meals to take with me.   
Luckily I had recently discovered RX bars and had bought a case! I added to that some almond butter, trail mix, plantain chips, and a chicken sausage for breakfast on the ride up there.   
My biggest concern was protein! I was concerned that I was just going to be hungry all day. I finally broke down and bought some Epic products and gave jerky a try. The concept grosses me out for some reason but honestly it wasn’t that bad! Add to that water throughout the day and cold brew coffee cans thanks to Trader Joe’s I was good to go.  
Was I hungry? Heck yes! But all the adrenaline from the day kept me going. Was I excited to eat a proper meal Sunday? Absolutely!! Chipotle never tasted so good! But was I willing to break my whole30 on day 25? Hell no!   
To anyone out there that faces a challenge during whole30, promise you can figure it out and make it through the 30 days without breaking! Only 2 more days left for me. I can’t wait for the results this time!  

#imwithwhole30

 

So apparently with the new year and it being “diet season” there are new studies out there rating the different diets and Whole30 has fallen at the bottom of the list and is being criticized saying, the only potential benefit is for short-term weight loss, not long-term weight maintenance, general health, or longevity.  Well as someone that has tried about everything out there and lived my entire adult life and struggling with weight and body image I completely disagree!  Whole30 changed my life a year and a half ago and here is how in one photo. 

19-year-old Kathryn vs. 30-year-old Kathryn vs. 34-year-old Kathryn

At nineteen I constantly thought about everything that I consumed and restricted calories all the time.  I ate insanely unbalanced.  I didn’t even think about the effects of eating fast food.  I was able to run, and when I did I only thought about the effect that it had on me in terms of calories lost.  My idea of eating vegetables was either a salad smothered in ranch or cooked with bacon or sugar.  I sustained mostly on chicken tenders and honey mustard.  I binge drank without eating (or eating much) to get drunk faster.  I only knew how to deal with anxiety by being drunk.  I was the skinniest I have ever been in my life, but couldn’t see it at all. I had zero self-confidence, no sense of what was healthy and was happily medicating my depression vs dealing with it.

Skip to thirty (or actually anytime between the ages of 27-30 honestly).  I had completely given up on any sense of living a healthy lifestyle.  I emotionally shut down and just went through the motions.  I would yoyo between trying to lose weight to not caring.  I tried weight watchers a dozen times, new fad diet, shakes, bars, you name it.  But I couldn’t get my mind off food.  Same as at the age of 19, I constantly thought about what I was going to eat, but way less concerned about the calories just more about how it was going to make me feel (emotionally).  I couldn’t run, or even walk for extended periods of time without feeling the effects of my asthma.  Again I had zero self-confidence, I was not happy and probably depressed, but eating my feelings vs dealing with them.    I was hiding behind food.

And then there is today, the 34-year-old version.  I never would say that I am perfect or where I need to be by any means, but I also am aware of how much of a happier and healthier person I am.  I enjoy working out.  I enjoy it not because of the calories that I lose by doing so, but because of the way that it makes me feel and the strength that I have while doing it.  I, for the most part, look at food as something that fuels my body and not as a way to deal with my emotions.  I have self confidence that isn’t related to the alcohol I drink.  Although I am not done working, I don’t have a goal weight or goal size anymore.  I don’t want to look like that 19-year-old anymore.  I have a much healthier and stronger picture of what my end game looks like and Whole30 helped me get here.

Drastic changes took place in my brain the first time I did Whole30, and I continue to change every time I come back to this lifestyle.  Each time I return to Whole30 it gets easier and easier.  Currently I am on day 10 and I haven’t even thought about anything because it comes so natural and easy to me.  Some of the biggest changes, and non-scale victories include throwing my scale away and living life without weighing myself daily or twice daily. Clear skin, crazy energy and not having the sleep issues I used to have.  Other NSV include knowing how food affects me.  What sugar, beans, bread and other foods do to my body and by mood.  Having the freedom to decide if I want to feel that way and eat the food or not.  I can look in the mirror and be happy with what is looking back at me, and if I am not happy I know exactly what to do to make myself happy again in no time at all.  I can run intervals, even if I hate them, without completely having my asthma taken over.  I have learned that strong is so much healthier and skinny. I can shop at regular stores and feel good in the clothes I wear vs constantly criticizing what I see looking back in the mirror.  I don’t feel like I need to hide being people in group pictures and I actually like photos of myself again!  In addition to the way I feel I have successfully lost weight and kept it off and resolved some medical concerns that I was having.

So to all the Whole30 critics thanks for your opinion, but no thanks!  I plan to continue to embrace the Whole30 lifestyle and live my life with food freedom!  I am going to continue to strive for strong instead of skinny and continue to gain self-confidence!   I want to thank Melissa Hartwig for all information, research, resources and support that you give.  You have helped change my life and I am proud to say I’m with Whole30!

Balance

In the middle of a fairly rocky start to the year I have actually been able to be quite reflective and I am using that to my advantage.  Certain events over the past two weeks have caused this reflection and pulling of inner strength that I have apparently developed over the years without even knowing it.  In light of that I have been really honest and raw with myself looking back on my past and seeing how far I have come, but also aware of how much further I need to go.

A dear friend of mine and I were talking and she said to me, “you know I read somewhere about the concept of having a defining word for the year vs. a resolution and I think that might be something that you should consider.”  After thinking about it for a few days, and having a very “real” conversation last night, I decided that this was exactly what I wanted to do.  So my word for this year is BALANCE.  It is the one thing in my life that I need the most and probably the one thing that is the hardest for me to achieve.

I don’t know if it is being a woman, my personality, my profession, the way I was raised, being southern, or a combination of them all, but I am much more likely to give to others than to take care of myself.  The concept of taking care of yourself in my mind has always been associated with the word selfish which has a negative connotation.  But why?

Why can’t I look at taking care of myself, setting up boundaries and finding a balance in life as a good thing?  Why do I constantly, without even knowing it put the needs of others before myself?  Why do I lose sight of what is so important to me so easily, and just become comfortable doing what is convenient?  Why am I willing to fight for other people but don’t fight just as hard or harder for myself?   I have no clue, but my goal for this year is to figure out the WHY so I can make a change in this and learn to balance!

Spending the past few days with such uncertainty (something that I do not do well) and not having the control that I needed in my life forced me to focus on the areas that I can control.  I could have gone about this is a destructive way, as I have in the past, or the way that I chose to handle the situation this time.  I threw myself into Whole30, and getting myself back into my workout routine.  Both of these were things that needed to take place and important areas of my life that I had lost sight of, but hyper focusing on them out of the blue just to have “control” isn’t balance either.

So with a lot of thought and self reflection  I am going to continue with Whole30, since a January Whole30 has been the plan since November.  And I am going to go back to my regular workout routine of an average of 5 times per a week but stop the excessive workout routine of the past two weeks!   I also have a list of things that I am going to do for me in the month of January.  Things that I want to do and focus on myself, my interest, what needs to take place in my word, and honestly be a little selfish, which is something I think I deserve a bit of!

So here it is—My selfish bucket list for the month of January– a little bit fun and honestly a little bit boring!

• Complete Whole30 and successfully (for the first time) do the reintroduction process
• Read a book for FUN
• Paint something that is outside of my comfort zone
• Go to DC and participate in the Million Woman March on January 21^st
• Reconnect with an old friend
• Paint my baseboards
• Finally figure out what is wrong with my garbage disposal and attempt to fix it!
• Enjoy time with my friends at least 2-3 times this month!
• Create a budget so I can go on a “35th” trip!

December 28th is my January 1st

 

So there is never going to be a perfect time to start something new (or old again in this case), but why on earth would I decide to start Whole30 three days before New Year’s Eve?  A holiday that typically involves yummy food, alcohol and a lot of parties and social time.  Well here is my reasoning to deciding that December 28^th was as good of a day as any to hit the reset button on “Kathryn.”

I have been living in a roller coaster for the last six months.  Some really high highs and some really low lows.  Nothing has been constant.  I have not been living the lifestyle that I had come to love.  I have been making choices that make me happy at times, but other times make me unhappy without me even realizing it.  I haven’t been true to myself and most importantly I haven’t been balanced. I need balance more than anything in my life and I know that Whole30, working out and prioritizing what is important gives me that.

Balance—that is the reason why I have decided to just say Fuck it and hit the reset button early!  I knew that I was going to start Whole30 in January so honestly what is 3 days?  There is never going to be a perfect time.  There is never going to be a 30-day time frame that doesn’t involve some sort of holiday or celebration or event that I am going to have to make the choice to stay with Whole30 or give up.

So what do I hope to gain this time from Whole30?   That is a really good question!  I did weigh and measure myself yesterday.  I also took starting pictures.  I still have that amazing red dress that I love dearly hanging on the back of my door hoping to fit into it.  I have a weight that I would like to be in 30 days.  I ideally would like to lose more this time that I have in times past.  I want that smaller size jeans (or to not be restricted to just my fat jeans).  I want the clothes I bought in August and September to look good on me and fit again.

With all of that in mind I briefly compared my numbers to where I was last year at this time and where I was when I finished last year’s Whole30 and where I was in august.  I thought about it and I decided to put that and everything about clothes and sizes and numbers out of my mind!  I have spent a full year telling myself and reminding myself that I am so much more than a number on a scale and I truly believe that so why on earth would I want to set goals for the next 30 days that involve numbers? With that in mind here are my goals for the next 30 days:

• Start and complete Whole30
• Finish reading Food Freedom Forever and really process it and be ready to apply it to life after this round of Whole30
• Find balance in my day to day routines and how I am spending my time
• Prioritize the gym and get back into the routine that makes me feel balanced and happy.
• Know Cardio is the answer— Run, jog, use the elliptical, stair climber, bike, row machine something! I don’t have to like it—I just have to survive through 30 minutes a day!
• Remember your favorite quote “I will hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection” and recognize that life is hard and being perfect isn’t sustainable.

So there it is.  There is my reset button on 2016 and the start of 2017.  I feel like I have been here 1000 times before and chances are I will have to reset myself again in the future.  But the important thing that I am telling myself is at least I am back to the reset phase.  I am allowing myself the grace to start over again and not beating myself up in the process.

Confession…

I have gained 13lbs in the past two months! 

I knew I had gained and my guess was right around 10.  Usually my guess is off and it is a few pounds less.  Well I guess this time I was off just in the other direction.  

This was a really hard pill to swallow right before working out this evening.  First I got pissed!  Pissed at myself for allowing myself to do this.  Then I got pissed at others!  Then I got pissed that I allowed others to affect me in a negative way for the first time in years.  Then mid plank I burst into tears!!! Thank God I have the worlds best trainer that knew exactly what to say in that moment and kept me together until I finished my session.  

Then…Enter the booger/snot/tears phase of the evening!  I cried for nearly an hour after leaving the gym.  I cried out of anger, fear, self hatred.  I cried because I was sad, disappointed and defeated.   I cried just about every emotion one can cry until there was nothing to cry anymore and I decided it was time to make a plan! 

My new plan- 

Step one- stop crying and stop being angry! 

Step two- refocus on what really matters… it’s not about a number Kathryn!  It’s about the inner strength.  Being proud of yourself and being able to do something that you couldn’t do 2 weeks ago! 

Step theee- take your ass to the gym tomorrow and move on!   Worry about step four tomorrow night once you have completed step three!  

So there you have it.   13 lbs, 2 months and an hour of tears and self hatred I (fingers crossed) back into the mindset I need to be in to do this!   
💕Betty 

Vacationing and Staying on Track

Let’s be honest-   Staying on track is hard!   Staying on track while on vacation is really really hard!   

This is my first vacation since I have attempted to live a more motified whole30 lifestyle and all in all it has been fairly successful!    

I decided to not give myself any rules prior to coming down to the beach with my friend Lindsay and her family for 5 days.  My plan going in was to approach every meal or temptation individually and decide what I really wanted to do in that moment.   I also had a rough idea of how I would remain active without my gym nearby.  

I knew coming into the trip there would be multiple opportunities to eat poorly, but I was not prepared for the sheer amount of sweets present in the house.   Sugar is my weakness and I was tempted with 3 different types of cake, cookies and ice cream!   

I can proudly say that in 5 days I ate 2 cookies and 1 small slice of cake.  This may sound like a lot, but trust me with the amount present and the fact that they came out multiple times a day I can calling this one a personal victory!   

Other meals-  I chose to put my fajitas on a salad instead of a tortilla.  I chose to eat a grilled chicken salad instead of chicken casserole.  I chose to eat all lunches whole30.  I chose a porkchop when eating out vs the pasta that I wanted.  

I also chose to eat the bacon for breakfast, a piece of toast one morning, drink some beers and to fully expect to try Britt’s  Dounuts tomorrow before we leave.  

I tried my best to stay as active as I would if I was at home.  I have walked multiple days on the beach (and home from the bar one night– that counts right?) 

What I am most impressed about is what happens when I was doing the workout that my trainer put together for me to do.   It consisted of a half mile, which I was told to run and/or walk.  He didn’t care as long as I finished it!   If you know me, you know I HATE RUNNING!   I especially hate running outside and even more so in the summer.   I honestly though he was crazy when he suggested I run outside in the summer at the beach!  

Luckily I conned Lindsay into running with me and we had a spunky 12 year old, Maggie, as our “coach.”   The three of us started off on our run and I told them there was no way that I could do this outside.  Sure enough when it got to the end of the half mile I was still running!   After completing the rest of the workout I looked on my phone and saw that the tempature outside was 90 degrees, but it felt like 101!  

Seriously!   I just ran a half mile outside, at the beach, in the summer with a heat index of 101!   It felt amazing to do, but I am fairly certain this one success is not going to turn me into a runner!   Regardless- BEST non scale victory in a long time!   
–Betty 

It is the END of the X’s

This post is so exciting for me to write!  I feel like I need to celebrate this week and I couldn’t think of a better way! 

It was over all a fairly good week overall!   

Monday- I did body flow for the first time in months and realized exactly how much stronger I have gotten 

Tuesday- I allowed myself to enjoy Mexican without feeling guilty that it wasn’t whole30! 

Wednesday- I finished 3 weeks of motified  whole30, weighed myself, lost 8 lbs for a grand total of 60 lbs and weighed less than I did when I started grad school 7 years ago!– it was a good day! 

Thursday- I allowed a comment to get to me and was down on myself!  Some one said to me “oh I love shopping at that Ross  they have such good clothes for big girls like us”– seriously!  When can I stop being considered a “big girl?”  

Friday- it took me 4 tries to find pants to wear this morning because all of the ones I put on were to big AND I officially feel like I am saying good by to the X’s! (Suck it big girl comment!!) 

Let me explain a bit-   After a full week of mornings like I had today and the growing stack of to big clothes I knew I was going to need a few more tops to get me through the summer. So I went shopping after work (thank you 4th of July sales!). 

clothes that are too big this week!

I browsed through the regular section and eyed everything that I wanted at Anthropolgie then made my way back to the sale section and started actually shopping.   After finding some great pieces (with an extra 30% off sale prices!) I made my way to the dressing room to start trying them on.  

Top one-  to big. I thought “oh it is a different cut that’s why”.  Top two- to big,   “Okay…” Top three- to big, “okay this is weird!”  The dress- to big!!! Finally I realized “holy shit Kathryn you might not be an XL at this store anymore.”

Second go round in the dressing room went something like this- this Large fits! This one too!  This Large dress fits! OMG!!!! I am wearing a size LARGE!   

This is the first time in I do not know how long that I have purchased clothing that does not have at least one X in it somewhere!   

Now I know that this is just one store (and 3 brands) and sizes run differently.  I am not going to get upset if I go to Loft or Banana next week and have to buy an XL.  But I still feel like it is the beginning of the end of the X’s in my life and I could not be more thrilled or proud of myself!   
–Betty

Helpful article

Just finished reading this article Melissa Hartwig, founder of Whole30 wrote.  I find is super helpful and completely on point with where I am at today!   I have been following a modified whole30 for almost a month and today is the day I have allowed myself to weigh myself and take measurements.  I love how she talks about taking the stress out of it and not making this program about weigh loss.  That should just be the secondary effects.  

This is my favorite part of the article. “Literally, I want you to say this out loud: I give myself permission to stop thinking about my body and weight loss.” It is what I have been trying to do this past month and I am hoping it will pan out with the numbers today.  

My challenge after today will be to go 6 weeks with this new mindset and see where it gets me! 
http://whole30.com/2015/03/dear-melissa-change/
–Betty 

Learning to Love the Past

I have been struggling for the past six months with the Facebook “on this day” flashbacks.   I actually love this feature, but in recent months I have struggled looking at the pictures of myself between the years of 2009-2013/14 and not wanting to delete or untag myself.  

I find this quite difficult for many reasons.  First I struggle because I look at these pictures and think to myself “Good god-  how did you let yourself get like that?”   Also I realized that I apparently had NO FREAKING clue I was a big as I was at that time! 
I look back on these pictures remembering things like how much I used to love that outfit only to look at it today and question why I ever allowed my arms to be exposed! 

But my biggest problem with this over the past few months has been all of the memories wrapped up into these photos.  I struggle with the thought of deleating the pictures of me Wilson, Emme’s dance recital or meeting Elizabeth for the first time and forgetting those memories all together.   I struggle with taking down the photos of my trip to Italy because I look horrible in the dress I have on and not being able to smile when I stumble across them.  I struggle with forgetting the weddings celebrated during this time, the 30th birthdays, tailgates, crazy New Years resolutions, trips,  grad school and the final days with my kiddos teaching.    

I know erasing these photos off social media won’t necessarily erase them from my life.  I have other places photos as in my world but it is more than that.   These were GOOD years!   Why would I erase just them, but keep Facebook all together.  Why would I erase these images that I am beginning to despise, but keep current images and images pre 2009?   It makes no sense to me.   I want to be proud of who I am and who I was during that time as well. 

I have decided to embrace these pictures, these memories, my past.  As hard as it is to look at some of them, I can’t imagine life without these moments!    I now look at them as what they are meant to be -My past- Where I have come from to get where I am today.  Without them I wouldn’t be me! 
–Betty 

Goodbye Scale… Hello Life

So this post is really hard to write!  I really want to share how this one simple step has changed me, and I am trying to put my heart and soul into it which makes me extra vulnerable– and I don’t do well.  If it is rambling I apologize but I want to get it out so I can come back and read it months from now as a reminder!  Here goes nothing!

 

 I threw my scale away 5 months and 2 days ago today (thank you Instagram for the timeline!)  It was one of the hardest things I did but I am so happy that I did it.  After a conversation with my trainer  where he pointed out that stressing out isn’t really helpful in weight loss (especially with me), and weighing myself daily does nothing but stress me out, he suggested that I throw my scale away!

This was at the beginning of our session and I remember saying to him “You have a point–Oh yeah I will do that” and thinking in my head at the exact same time “yeah right you are CRAZY!! Why would I ever throw my scale away.”  But like many things in my life I have to process a bit longer to really think about what someone is saying to me.  Luckily this one only took the hour I was at the gym and my drive home.

I walked into my house stood on that scale that I let define me for one last time looked at the number, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan.  Looking back I can’t believe that just that one piece of equipment, that one tool, that one square box could have such a profound effect on the way I viewed myself.

The change didn’t come immediately, and there are still days that I struggle beyond belief not having a scale in my home!  The habit was ingrained in me.  For weeks I would wake up and walk over to where the scale was supposed to be only to have nothing to step onto.   I struggled to not run out and just buy another scale for a while.  I can’t put into words what changed in me this time that caused me to just trust, just let go and not buy another one but whatever it was I am so grateful!

No longer do I have to step onto that box every morning with my eyes closed hoping that the number is less than it was the night before.  Never again do I have to step up onto that scale when I come home from the gym and again before I got to bed just to see how much it had changed throughout the day.  That’s three times!  Three times (at least) in one day that I would weigh myself.  Three moments in a day that I would inevitably be negative towards myself.  Three moments each day that I have gotten back for the past 5 months because of that one simple decision I made to just throw the damn thing away!

Have I wanted to buy another one?  Absolutely!  Have I weighed myself when I see them in friends bathrooms?  Yes.  When I do the same feeling and thoughts come back– “I am not good enough– This number isn’t low enough– whats wrong with me?” I am thankful that I can finally see that this is not okay.  That this feeling isn’t helping me at all!!

I do weigh myself with my trainer once every other month or so to track and I look forward to this.  It is a time to see.  To test out what I have been doing and how it has worked over a longer period of time.  We compare the weight and body fat which is nice to see the difference in BOTH of the numbers.

I am using my other successes as my daily and weekly measurements and reminders.  I look at how my clothes are fitting me.  I look at the amount of time I have shaved off a mile on the elliptical.  I look at the weight that I can lift on the single leg press (and how it is more than double what I used to be able to do with both legs).  Most importantly I am learning to look at pictures of myself and be happy and PROUD of who I am in again.

I know the scale is a great thing for some people.  I have friends that love it– it shows their progress and it is the tool they need to stay on track!  I am SO not this person and I am thankful that I can finally recognize it!

Now I just need to come up with a better answer for the question “oh you look great!  How much weight have you lost?”  Because the current answer I want to give isn’t very polite so I just shrug my shoulders and say “I am not quite sure” while biting my tongue as to not tell them what I really want to say!

 

— Betty